The Best Gamblers Know When to Walk Away
by raglanwriter
Summary: Post 'The Parts in the Sum of the Whole'....SPOILERS included if you have not seen the episode! What happens at the end of this season to top what happened during this episode? My answer to that question....
1. Chapter 1

The Best Gamblers Know When to Walk Away

SPOILER ALERT!!!! I live in Canada and saw "The Parts in the Sum of the Whole" tonight, a day earlier than in the States. So, if you have not seen the episode, this story will completely spoil it for you- consider yourself warned!!!!

Author's Note:

This is my take on how things in the season finale might unfold based on tonight's MASSIVE episode. I both loved and hated The Parts in the Sum of the Whole- and my heart absolutely broke for both Booth and Brennan. This story is written from Booth's perspective because I find him easier to write.

As always, I don't own them…I only wish I did.

As I walked towards her office door, I knew this conversation was going to hurt us both more than any words we had ever spoken or heard before. When they say that the hardest thing to do for someone you love is to let them go, they really aren't kidding. I had to let her go and I had to make her release me. There was no other way.

It started months ago, after we had spent the afternoon with Sweets telling him about our very first case together. Although he initially thought that our description of that early encounter ruined his book, I am sure that in time he realized that it only proved his hypothesis in a different way. He was right about the whole suppression of emotion and the dam being ready to burst- at least from my side of things.

After we left Sweet's office, out on the sidewalk, when I told her that I was the guy who knew, I was telling the truth. I had known. From that very first moment when I walked into that lecture hall and was mesmerized by her, I knew that she was the one. And when we almost shared that cab back to my place, I knew. I told her about my gambling problem because I could already see that she could become the most important person in my life. I just knew. But now, I had to somehow extract her from the place in my soul that she had resided in since the beginning- it actually felt like a surgical procedure- I had to close the door on that. I had to stop knowing what I knew from the moment I met her. I had to force myself into some kind of emotional amnesia. I had to forget.

So, when I closed her office door behind me and she looked up from her desk I could already feel my throat swelling shut and the sting behind my eyelids. But if I ever I was going to be the strong alpha male she always accused me of being, now was the time. She could tell something was wrong as soon as she saw me- and not wrong like the way things are wrong when you have a bad day- but wrong like when your whole universe is about to be thrown off balance. The smile on her face faded quickly and apprehension gathered in her eyes.

"I wanted to come here and tell you something before any official announcement is made," my voice was thick and sounded far away. "I've requested a transfer and it has been approved. I'll be moving to the Denver field office sometime next month."

The silence is like a wall. Everything surrounding me is muffled and blurry-the only thing I see with clarity is her face, which has become motionless and pale. Her lips move but no words come out and she stops trying to speak. I know what she is asking so in spite of everything, I still cannot refuse her and I answer the question.

"Because I can't be close to you everyday and not be _with_ you. I tried Bones, I really did. I thought I could be the guy who accepts that the woman he loves doesn't love him back and that I could be friends and keep working with you, but I can't. I told you I need to move on, but that is impossible for me to do when I see you everyday and you're just so…" I lost the rest of my sentence when the tears start to trickle down her cheeks. Glancing down at the floor, I choked back my own sadness and tried to finish what I needed to tell her. "I did everything I could Bones. I stopped spending time with you outside of work – and I know that hurt you, but it hurts me too much to have you and yet not have you in the way I really want. I tried to create distance. I dated other women. I tried to go back to the way things were before I asked you to give us a chance, but there is no rewind button on life and now it all just hurts. So, I have to leave. It's the only way I know how to do this. I need to start again without you in my life."

There is nothing left to say so I stare at her for a last long moment, attempting to share one more look with her that says a million words. I want so much for things to be different. I wish I had never confessed to her that I loved her or that I had tried harder to convince that she could change and that she already had changed in the time we had known each other. But none of my imagined solutions could help us anymore. It was too late for any kind of salvation. The time had come to walk away, and so with lips trembling, heart pounding and my eyes burning, I opened the door and proceeded to do just that. I had only walked a few feet when I heard her chair move across the floor and realized with dread that she was following me. Picking up the pace, I made it past the exam platform before her voice echoed across the room.

"Booth," my name was a pained cry. "Please….don't do this."

I stopped dead in my tracks and dropped my chin to my chest as I tried to gather my resolve. I knew that once I turned around and saw her again it would take every ounce of my strength to leave. Eyes cast down, I spun on my heel and took another deep breath before raising my field of vision. Back near her office, Bones had her hands clenched and I could see her chest heaving with the hyperventilation you get when you are trying desperately to breathe instead of sob. Her eyes glistened and I could see the wetness on her cheeks. Every muscle in my body wanted to run to her and I took a step backwards to physically propel myself in the opposite direction.

"Please Booth," her tonewas pleading, "please don't do this to me."

Suddenly, out of some part of my emotional self that I was not even aware of at that moment, frustration as sharp as a razor rose up in me and when I responded, my words carried a hard edge of anger.

"For god's sake Bones, be a little bit fair would you?! You can't have it both ways OK? I need to keep my sanity. I need to have a chance at a life. It can't all be about what you need anymore. I have to do some kind of self-preservation! You can't break my heart and expect me to come in here every day and let you walk on the pieces! I can't stay here just to try and convince you that not everyone leaves so the damage your parents did to you is repaired. People do leave Bones. When someone loves you and you don't love them back, eventually they leave."

The fury in my heart seemed to spin me around again without any conscious thought and I headed for the door, leaving the hostile words hanging in the air. When I hear her voice again, it was hollow and sad in a way that breaks my heart anew.

"I never said I didn't love you back." My steps faltered and the anger faded to be replaced by a familiar flare of hope in my heart.

"Pardon?" I asked without turning to face her.

"I never said I didn't love you, " her voice is closer now and I know she has moved towards me. "When you asked me to give us a chance, I told you I had to protect you from me- because I am so afraid I will hurt you, but I wanted to protect you because I do love you. I know you don't always agree with my logic, but I thought you understood this. I never wanted to break your heart Booth, I only wanted to protect it. I love you, but I don't know how to do that properly so I was afraid to try in case I let you down."

Finally, I could bear it no longer and I slowly returned my eyes to hers. "I always understood your logic Bones, which is why I tried to stick it out and do the friends and partners thing. And I know you're afraid of trying to be what I know we can be together, but I can protect myself Bones. I'm willing to take the risks. If you can't move past your fear and take the risks too, then there is nothing left for us to do but go our separate ways." I paused to let her consider what I said and then, because I am still so powerless to resist the gravitational pull of her, I filled the space between us. Her skin was soft as my hand traced the curve of her neck and when I feel her pulse, I let my finger tips rest against its rhythmic tremor. Testing my own determination, I let my lips brush against hers ever so briefly. "I'm here for another month Bones- so you need to decide what you want to do."

I left her standing there alone in the middle of the lab, with tears still in her eyes. And now all I can do is wait and see if she stops me from getting on the plane to Colorado. It is her turn to show her cards or fold.


	2. Chapter 2 Finding the Faith

Author's Note: Thanks to all who reviewed the first chapter of this one. I did not really intend to do another chapter, but several people requested a continuation so here it is. This one is from Brennan's POV. As always, I don't own much but the words I make them say!

The Best Gamblers Know When to Walk Away

Chpt. 2- Finding the Faith to Risk the Loss

I don't know how long I stood there alone, staring at the doors that Booth had just walked through. I had no idea that I was still crying until Angela and Sweets came in from lunch and Angela rushed towards me to ask what was wrong. I couldn't answer her. I stared past her and looked at Sweets, whose face echoed the concern in Angela's voice.

"This is all your fault Sweets," my voice grated out the accusation. I stepped towards him and interrupted his stuttered response. "You told Booth to gamble and he listened to you. And now he is moving away and everything is ruined."

I pushed past Sweets and exited through the same doors that had closed behind Booth. I could hear Angela's agitation behind me as she interrogated Sweets for an explanation to the scene she had just witnessed. I could not stop and explain it all to her- the rawness I felt in my heart was too painful to stand still and talk about it. Realizing that I had left the building without any of my personal things, including my car keys, I started to walk. I had no sense of direction or time as I walked along enveloped in a hazy film of shock. In my head, I kept repeating the words; 'Booth is leaving. Booth is leaving.' No matter how many times I said them to myself, the piercing sting never diminished.

I wandered blindly along the city streets until I suddenly became aware of growing darkness all around me. Hours must have passed and the afternoon sky had transitioned to twilight. Looking around, I realized that I was at Hillside Park and I was standing beside the merry-go-round that Parker had liked to ride on when he was younger. Turning to my left, I saw the bench that Booth and I had sat on together when he had drawn that line between personal and professional. I had tried to respect that line when it came to my feelings for him and had believed it was for the best because I never wanted to hurt him. Standing there more than three years later, I did not enjoy the irony of either of the two realities: that Booth had drawn a line that he apparently crossed the moment we met because he said that he _knew_ right from the beginning; and that by trying to prevent Booth's broken heart, I had somehow managed to shatter him. Nothing made sense to me at that moment. None of this was rational. Two people as different as Booth and I should not fall in love; Booth should not want to be with me when I could never be what he wanted; I should not feel so empty just because one person might leave my life- I had lost people before and never been as consumed with the dismay I was feeling; I should not already miss him when he was not even gone yet. Sitting down on the bench, I stared impassively at the garishly painted horses on the playground ride and wondered what would happen to me if my whole rationality based worldview fell apart around me. Because I knew that no matter how irrational any of it was, it made sense on some other level that had nothing to do with logic and everything to do with what was right in some cosmic plan that I had never believed in before I met Booth.

The park grew shadowy as night crept in, and still I sat there with no sense of what to do next. If I wanted to go home, I'd have to go back to the lab and get my house keys- the possibility of facing Angela who was probably still there waiting for me was enough to deter me from that plan. Suddenly, almost as if they were not connected to my brain, my legs pushed up off the bench and starting walking again. Somewhere in the back of my consciousness I had some awareness of where I was headed, but it never came into the forefront of my awareness until I was standing there outside the door. The only times I had ever been inside this church had been with Booth and I was hesitant to enter on my own. My eyes traveled up the building, along the stone to the stain glass windows- and for some reason the glow of the lights coming through the coloured panes of glass gave me courage and I made my way up the steps. Once inside, I shuffled into an aisle at the back and sat, staring ahead but seeing nothing. I knew that the sense of comfort that Booth experienced inside the church would not come to me since I did not have his belief in the powers that he thought inhabited this building, so I just sat and let the blinking flames of the candles hypnotize me.

Having been out in the dampness of the night, my skin had been chilled and as I sat in the pew, warmth began to seep back into my body. The returning heat reminded me of the way it felt to have Booth wrap his arms around me or to have him lean against my side in a gesture of comfort. I found myself thinking back on all the times he had held me when I needed him. His strength had helped me through some of the worst moments of my life and suddenly it occurred to me how much it must have cost him to be there for me like that. If he really had been fighting to hold back his feelings for me all those years, then it must have been difficult for him to offer me that physical closeness and not act on his emotions. I know better than anyone that Booth's heart is open and that he offers it up without hesitation so restraining himself from that natural inclination must have been tortuous. I wonder if it had felt the way it did for me when he had dated Dr. Bryar for those few weeks- he had told me that he had to move on, and I tried not to be devastated by it, but watching him try to forge a meaningful bond with someone else had cut deeply. It amazed me that either one of us had any energy to catch criminals when we spent so much time pushing back against whatever intrinsic forces seemed to have brought us together in the first place. I could not speak for Booth, but I was completely exhausted. Thinking about how fatigued I was, my eyes began to drop shut and I drifted into sleep.

Some time later, a soft touch on my shoulder eased me out of the restless slumber. It took me a few minutes to focus on the world again and when I did, I saw Booth standing there, looking down at me.

"I'm still dreaming," I murmured.

Despite everything, Booth managed one of his quirky smiles, "No Bones, you're awake."

"But, what are you doing here?"

"Angela called me and she was worried. I looked in all the places that I thought you might be, and then when I couldn't find you I figured I'd come here to think it through and try to figure out where you'd gone. I certainly didn't expect to find you here."

"You looked for me?" I was genuinely surprised.

"Of course I looked for you, Bones. Angela told me that you were really upset and she was afraid that something had happened to you when you didn't come back to the lab after a few hours."

"But I thought you didn't care about me anymore- that you said you couldn't care." The confusion in my voice reflected the mixed up thoughts racing through my brain. Booth's eyes flicked up towards the ceiling as though seeking some divine assistance and then his leg nudged against my knee, signaling me to shift down and make space. With a sigh he lowered himself onto the pew beside me and rubbed his eyes before turning to face me.

"Temperance," as always, my first name carried a level of seriousness when Booth used it. The next phrases carried the sound of frustration. "I never said that I didn't care anymore. You just don't understand this at all do you?"

Booth fell silent and I knew he was thinking something through and trying to find a way to express his thoughts in a way I would comprehend. So, I waited for him to decide what he wanted to do next- at least I tried to wait. But he was motionless for so long, and staring at him, I realized that his face was drawn and tinted with the greyness of exhaustion. Without thinking, my hand reached up and caressed his cheek. Booth jerked back from me as if I had burned him and my arm dropped quickly to my side.

"Please don't do that," his voice was quiet and strained.

"Booth," my own voice carried an unfamiliar pleading edge. "Does it have to be all or nothing?"

"It already is Bones. The way I feel for you is everything- it is all consuming and I can't retract it to some halfway point. Maybe 3 years ago, I could have changed things- you know if you had left with Sully. But once you stayed then there was no turning it around. My whole heart is with you Temperance- and the way I love you is beyond any capacity for love that I ever thought I had- I never imagined that it could be like it is with you. So, yes, it has be everything or nothing. It's the only way."

"I'm scared Booth- because I don't know how to do the everything version. I've never given myself to someone to that extent and…" my voice trails off.

"I understand that you're scared Bones and I know why. But you don't need to know you can do the everything version, because I know you can- I know that we can. I've never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of the fact- that's right Bones, the _fact_- that you and I are meant to be together. I don't even need to you believe it right now. I just need you to trust me enough and I'll believe for both of us until you see it too. Just tell me to cancel the transfer request and stay with you- that's all I need. I need to know that you will try."

Booth's eyes stay locked with mine and I see in them all the things that make him so special- all the things that make him so precious to me. I have always been able to trust him with the most fragile pieces of myself, the pieces I've never let anyone else see. Thinking back over the years I latch onto one moment we shared and it makes me realize what I need to say.

"Cancel your transfer request and stay with me Booth. You have to stay with me because you and I are the centre- and the centre must hold," I smile as the light of recognition brightens his face. Leaning forward he rests his head against mine and his hand reaches out to intertwine our fingers together.

"You'll see Bones- it's all going to work out and we are going to be happy," Booth pulls me towards him so my head rests on his shoulder. I hear the rumble of a laugh in his chest as he says, "I'd kiss you, but we're in church."

So we sat there listening to the wind whistle through the rafters of the old building and watching the candle flames flicker.


End file.
